Fall 2013 First Impressions:
- Diabolik Lovers
In this post, I'm going to be giving a first impression review of Diabolik Lovers. What is this show about? Heck if I know! The description Crunchyroll gives is a pretentious pile of quotes from the show.
“The girl learns her fate amongst the beautiful scent of wild roses. The girl encounters them, as if being drawn there by the threads of fate. ‘Yours Truly is going to take her every first experience.’ ‘Tell me, do you hate me? Do you want to learn more about me?’ ‘Does it hurt? You poor thing... Okay, I'll make it hurt even more, little bitch.’ ‘I know why you came to this house. This blood (of yours) is of the finest quality.’ ‘Humans are nothing more than containers of blood.’ ‘Stay out of my business! Come any closer, and I'll destroy you!’Seriously, Castlevania Symphony of the Night's dialog made more sense than this.
"The man finalizes his fate amongst the moldy stones of the ancient castle. The man encounters him, as if being drawn there by the threads of fate. 'Die monster. You don't belong in this world!' 'It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. I was called here by humans who wish to pay me tribute.' 'Tribute!?! You steal men's souls and make them your slaves!' 'Perhaps the same could be said of all religions...' 'Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill needs a savior such as you!' 'What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets. But enough talk. Have at you!'
You see, it makes about as much sense. Actually no, Symphony of the Night's dialog makes more sense, because at least the context is a bit more clear. About the only thing I can glean is that there's some girl, and at least one character sees humans as bloodpacks, which probably indicates vampires. This had better not be a Twilight knockoff.
Diabolik Lovers - Episode 1
0:00 So, there's this black-painted taxi driving across the countryside.
0:30 Some girl drawn to evoke pity looks out the window.
0:34 There's this large house/mansion.
0:38 Here it is from above.
0:45 At the front gates, the girl gets dropped off and stares blankly into the distance.
1:05 Her staring is interrupted by the title card.
1:08 And by the time she stops staring blankly, it starts raining.
1:18 We didn't need you to tell us that!
1:24 Thank goodness for that thunder. If it didn't strike, who knows how long she would have stared blankly up into the rain?!
1:35 Knock knock.
1:50 Look, just because nobody answered doesn't mean you can just break in. Then again, they really should have locked their doors.
2:20 GET ON WITH IT!
2:30 OH MY GAHD! A sexy guy is napping on the couch half-undressed! SOMETHING HAPPENED!
2:45 Okay no pulse, either he's dead or undead. Whatever the case, lady, GTFO!
2:50 911 CAN NOT SAVE YOU FROM THIS, ONLY CLEAN UP YOUR CORPSE.
3:00 Yes, he's waking up! KILL HER! KILL THE DUMB BROAD!
3:20 I said kill her, not rape her! Though I imagine most anime fans would unfortunately prefer to see things that way.
3:34 Cock-blocked! By the only remotely sensible character I might add.
3:45 The dumb broad still hasn't figured it out.
3:48 Yes, please, tell us who you are. Oh, nothing. Okay.
4:30 See to her luggage, extremely creepy vampire butler. She still hasn't figured it out.
5:00 Hey, it's the obligatory douchebag vampire!
5:15 And now it's the ultra creepy quiet vampire who carries a stuffed animal around still.
5:55 Oh, another douchebag vampire! And the first one is also a douchebag.
6:20 She's trying to leave. Has the dumb broad finally figured it out?!
6:40 Wow, another vampire napping on the couch. He's the "doesn't give a damn" type with earphones in his ears.
7:25 Finally the vampires can stand it no longer, and are going to tell her straight to her face.
7:58 "You're all kind of weird..." YOU STUPID BITCH! THE FIRST GUY HAD NO PULSE AND TRIED TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT YOU! It doesn't matter what's going on, GTFO!
8:26 "How could you?" (break her cell phone) Maybe because SHE'S BEING KIDNAPPED AND HELD AGAINST HER WILL!
8:45 Finally she starts running and screaming...
8:50 ...making it all of three steps away before tripping.
9:00 Oh heck no. She scraped her knee and is now bleeding. I can see it now. Everyone else in the room, being vampires, are going to go crazy now. Hey, maybe she'll at least finally figure out what's going on.
9:06 SHE DID IT! SHE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT!
9:10 Wow really, a cross? First off, she just happened to have that in her back pocket (or was it up her butt? Hard to tell). Second, that NEVER WORKS!
9:22 They're making fun of her. Thankfully somebody has some sense.
9:40 Finally, she starts running. With the most pathetic stride ever, she attempts to flee.
9:50 The vampires all mess with her head as she runs pathetically, knowing that she is completely screwed.
10:05 A phone? Cool. Maybe the police can come and carry your blood-drained corpse to the morgue, because there's no way in hell they're prepared for vampire hunting. Also the cord was cut anyway.
10:22 Another sexual assault on her! And more beyond-pathetic running.
10:37 DOORS DON'T OPEN BECAUSE YOU ASK THEM NICELY TO! YOU DUMB BROAD!
10:47 "You won't get away from me." And she gets away from him. Wow. And I thought she was pathetic.
10:55 So she decides to RUN BACK INSIDE?!?!?!?!?
11:25 Hey, a room with a broken lock and chains on the door. Clearly this is the safest place in the house!
11:45 Whoa. Something actually scary just happened. She looked out the window and saw the back of another woman. The one out the window turned towards her, and immediately dumb broad recoiled back, covering her heart in pain.
12:26 Surprise, you're adopted! Says her father's diary, which just happens to be right there in the room.
12:34 "Am I not my father's daughter?" YES! YES YOU STUPID BITCH!
12:40 Oh by the way everybody found you already. And the next sexual assault begins!
14:00 "Please, God!" That's how I feel after watching this show. It was painful to watch. Thankfully it was only this long. Any longer, and I wouldn't have made it.
If I had to summarize this show in a sentence, it'd be, "Some dumb broad walks right into a house full of douchebag vampires and somehow completely misses every last hint about what they are until they all decide to gang-rape her." It was not at all pleasant to watch. There was one legitimately good moment in the show. Right at 11:45, something genuinely frightening happens. It does not in any way redeem the show.
The only thing that can redeem the show is a good riffing. Comedic geniuses better than I am at it need to record a commentary track right over the top of the episode making fun of it, just like what Rifftrax does, and what Mystery Science Theater 3000 used to do. This show is PERFECT for it. If one ever comes out, I'll be sure to check it out. Until then, don't watch this show.
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